The hours I put in at work are negatively correlated with the time available to me to blog. I miss writing. It's been 4 months since I last posted. I've had lots of thoughts in those months. I haven't taken the time to write them. And to be perfectly honest, I don't feel safe posting a lot of what I think about these days.
I've gone through a transition in my faith. Writing about what I have experienced would be tremendously healing, I think. I know that my friends and family will most likely disagree with what I have to say and may even be hurt by it. I don't want that.
I've thought about starting something private for my eyes only or going back to my trusty paper journal, but I really like writing for an audience. Even if no one ever reads my blog, I like the idea that someone could. I also don't like the idea that I'm censoring myself, silencing my own voice, bowing to the expectation to conform, acquiescing with my silence to the cultural norm that says certain kinds of stories are okay to tell and others are not. I don't like that my own space feels unsafe to me.
I don't know exactly where I'm going with any of this. I offer these thoughts as a preparation, I suppose, for the posts I want to write. When they will come, if they will be written is still uncertain. I am saying for the record, for my benefit more than anyone else's, that this is my space. What I have to say is valid; it's worth saying. I won't let fear shame me into silence.
1 comment:
I've known quite a few people who have faith-transitioned, and all handled it in different ways. The ones who came out of it with friends still intact and family not estranged are the ones who were sincere and respectful in their reasoning. Those who chose to explain themselves with vitriol and disparaging remarks found themselves in a situation that was less healing and more negative than anything else. Like most situations, if you handle it with grace, kindness, and tact, those of us who love you will understand and love you still, and those who were less than sincere in the first place may find other places to land. And that's okay.
xoxo
April
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