In a recent clinical supervision meeting, we were discussing the importance of being direct with our clients, discussing openly and honestly the reality of what is happening in their lives and families, not holding back our true opinions (which is these situations are expert opinions) out of fear of offending or hurting them. We don't do them any favors if we withhold important information. We can do this without being judgmental, meaning we don't think less of them or blame them for their problems or shame them for having these problems. Talking honestly, openly, and directly is not the same thing as being judgmental.
This realization about what is and is not being judgmental has gradually dawned on me over the past few years and finally crystallized into words in the meeting I described above. Living this way is incredibly freeing. I don't have the decide if something or someone is good or bad, righteous or wicked, at fault or not. It just is what it is. Living without judgment also means living without blame. I love it!
To be sure there is some benefit to me letting myself live without judgement of myself, being less critical of myself, not worrying quite so much what other people think of me. The most surprising thing, though, has been how freeing it feels to live without the burden of needing to make judgments about others. Other people can do and be and choose whatever they want, and I get to do and be and choose whatever I want.
Monday, September 22, 2014
On the hazards of being a therapist: Noticing things
When you learn something or learn to see something, you can't just unlearn it or unsee it at your convenience. I'm sure members of my family in the film industry notice things about films I never would, even when watching for pleasure. If given the assignment to critique a work of design/marketing, Blake could do a thoughtful and thorough job; I've seen him do it. I've also seen that he notices little design errors, interesting font choices, photoshop flaws, etc. even when he's not trying to.
I notice relationship things. I notice patterns of interacting. I don't try to; I just do. This doesn't mean I spend my time analyzing or criticizing or "therapizing" the people around me. That would be exhausting. I like being able to leave work at work just as much as anyone else. I say noticing these things is a hazard of being a therapist, because it's so personal. It's way more personal for me to notice that one spouse routinely ignores the other than for Blake to notice that there is no organizational hierarchy in the flyer you made. I fear it makes me intimidating to other people and/or difficult to be with.
I can assure you that if I notice things about you, that's as far as it ever goes. I just notice. I rarely share my observations; there's no point. I don't think less of you. I just notice. I can't help it.
I notice relationship things. I notice patterns of interacting. I don't try to; I just do. This doesn't mean I spend my time analyzing or criticizing or "therapizing" the people around me. That would be exhausting. I like being able to leave work at work just as much as anyone else. I say noticing these things is a hazard of being a therapist, because it's so personal. It's way more personal for me to notice that one spouse routinely ignores the other than for Blake to notice that there is no organizational hierarchy in the flyer you made. I fear it makes me intimidating to other people and/or difficult to be with.
I can assure you that if I notice things about you, that's as far as it ever goes. I just notice. I rarely share my observations; there's no point. I don't think less of you. I just notice. I can't help it.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
On the hazards of being a therapist: Becoming introverted
Several years ago I took a class on personality theory. One of the sections talked about research on being introverted v. extroverted. The hypothesis was something like this: we all have need for social interaction and human connection; it seems to take more interaction and connection for extroverts to reach satisfaction than introverts. Once we reach our optimal level of interaction, more can feel overwhelming, taxing, and anxiety provoking. We pull away and need time alone.
If interaction and connection were beverages, an introverted person might desire and be satisfied by a small cup of tea while an extroverted person needs a 5-gallon cooler of gatorade before they feel satisfied. Or, if we skew it the other way, an extroverted person wants a nice tall glass of water, while an introverted person only needs a thimble's worth. The same amount of interaction doesn't work for everyone.
I naturally sway toward the extroverted side. I like being around people and having lots of friends. I tend to be a more-the-merrier kind of person. Having a job where I interact with and connect with people all day long suits me pretty well. Most of the time, I feel energized by my work--my work with the people that is, paperwork is an entirely different story, though I'm good at that too.
The downside is that I'm not near as friendly outside of work as I used to be. My social interaction and human connection water glass is filled or nearly filled at work. Sometimes the effort required to get together or keep in touch with friends seems too much. I find myself wanting a lot more time alone. I was noticing just yesterday when a friend was over that I didn't have too much to say. I was pretty content to let him and Blake talk while I just observed.
To my friends and family: I'm sorry. I miss you. I still care about you. If you invite me to things or contact me, I will come or respond. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to initiate. My maternity leave is starting soon, though. Give me a few days 'alone,' and I'm sure I'll be reaching out. :)
If interaction and connection were beverages, an introverted person might desire and be satisfied by a small cup of tea while an extroverted person needs a 5-gallon cooler of gatorade before they feel satisfied. Or, if we skew it the other way, an extroverted person wants a nice tall glass of water, while an introverted person only needs a thimble's worth. The same amount of interaction doesn't work for everyone.
I naturally sway toward the extroverted side. I like being around people and having lots of friends. I tend to be a more-the-merrier kind of person. Having a job where I interact with and connect with people all day long suits me pretty well. Most of the time, I feel energized by my work--my work with the people that is, paperwork is an entirely different story, though I'm good at that too.
The downside is that I'm not near as friendly outside of work as I used to be. My social interaction and human connection water glass is filled or nearly filled at work. Sometimes the effort required to get together or keep in touch with friends seems too much. I find myself wanting a lot more time alone. I was noticing just yesterday when a friend was over that I didn't have too much to say. I was pretty content to let him and Blake talk while I just observed.
To my friends and family: I'm sorry. I miss you. I still care about you. If you invite me to things or contact me, I will come or respond. Sometimes I just don't have it in me to initiate. My maternity leave is starting soon, though. Give me a few days 'alone,' and I'm sure I'll be reaching out. :)
Monday, September 1, 2014
On Family Vacation Bingo
We were planning a family vacation. Blake and I were really looking forward to it. We were laughing and joking about things we thought would likely happen. I came up with this idea to make a bingo game out of the things we were laughing about. Over the next several months we collected a list of things that were likely to happen when we got so many family members together for several days in a row.
The more we thought about it, the more I loved the idea. Inevitably, there would be time waiting on others. The bingo game might help. Surely there would be small but predictable annoyances; we choose to laugh about them as part of the game instead of getting overly frustrated or embarrassed. There were things like "we will have a hard time choosing where to eat" and "a toilet will get clogged" and "a kid will try to get the grandparents to give them what they want when mom/dad says no." If we were to do this again, we could add "Becca will get grumpy if we don't feed her." We learned from experience on this trip that this is likely to happen again.
As the time for the vacation got closer, we edited our list to be certain that nothing was hurtful or offensive and to make sure everyone was included. I made several varieties of bingo cards so we wouldn't all get bingo at the same time. Bonnie helped us pick out stickers for markers and some treats for the first three winners.
Well, the vacation came and playing the game didn't work out like we had hoped, but not because it was a bad idea. I'm sharing it here because I still think it's a great idea! Feel free to borrow it and enjoy the laughter.
End note: Bonnie was so excited to play bingo. We spent one night playing games, and the next morning she told me "Mommy, I waited and waited and no one picked to play our bingo game." I hated to have to tell her that we weren't going to be playing the bingo game. We compromised by playing together and letting her share the treats we had picked out with everyone.
The more we thought about it, the more I loved the idea. Inevitably, there would be time waiting on others. The bingo game might help. Surely there would be small but predictable annoyances; we choose to laugh about them as part of the game instead of getting overly frustrated or embarrassed. There were things like "we will have a hard time choosing where to eat" and "a toilet will get clogged" and "a kid will try to get the grandparents to give them what they want when mom/dad says no." If we were to do this again, we could add "Becca will get grumpy if we don't feed her." We learned from experience on this trip that this is likely to happen again.
As the time for the vacation got closer, we edited our list to be certain that nothing was hurtful or offensive and to make sure everyone was included. I made several varieties of bingo cards so we wouldn't all get bingo at the same time. Bonnie helped us pick out stickers for markers and some treats for the first three winners.
Well, the vacation came and playing the game didn't work out like we had hoped, but not because it was a bad idea. I'm sharing it here because I still think it's a great idea! Feel free to borrow it and enjoy the laughter.
End note: Bonnie was so excited to play bingo. We spent one night playing games, and the next morning she told me "Mommy, I waited and waited and no one picked to play our bingo game." I hated to have to tell her that we weren't going to be playing the bingo game. We compromised by playing together and letting her share the treats we had picked out with everyone.
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