On how we talk about our children, especially teens

When I was in junior high, I remember the teachers saying things to us like, "your brains all go down to your pants. We're just waiting out a few years until you're reasonable humans again" and "you're all so hormonal and difficult to deal with." Yes, they really did say these things to us. Why would any of us try to be easy or reasonable for them? They didn't expect us to.

Kids tend to live up to the expectations others, especially parents, set for them. If we expect that they will be difficult, they will be. The last 2.5 years I've had the privilege (I really do think it's a privilege) to work with a lot of teens and parents. There are common themes that come up with every family: trust, wanting freedom, keeping rules, doing chores, arguing, respect, etc. A lot of the work of therapy is helping the families negotiate these issues in a way that is age and developmentally appropriate. I have had teens say to me, "I argue with my mom because I'm a teenager. That's what teenagers are supposed to do."

Part of this is due to developmental changes happening in adolescence, but that's a topic for another time, another part is definitely expectations. I take this knowledge and try to be conscious as a parent about what I say about my child in front of my child. I try not to complain about her, not that there's much to complain about. I try to talk positively about her body and her future. If you say something to me about how difficult a future life stage will be, I will correct you if my daughter is around. (Consider yourself warned.)

Sometimes being a parent is difficult. I get tired and fatigued and there is never enough time for myself or my social life. Sometimes I get frustrated and lose my patience. None of this is my child's fault. I won't blame her for my stuff. The reality is that she is wonderful, completely, perfectly fantastic. She is healthy and strong, articulate, opinionated, and funny. About a year ago Blake and I were talking about whether we were ready for another child. We ultimately decided that we weren't ready, it wasn't the right time for our family. Part of our conversations centered on our daughter. We feel that we won the child jackpot. Would it be tempting fate to try again and expect to get another child as great as her? There were other very important factors that went into that decision, but how easy she's been to parent was part of the conversation.

I look forward to her being a teenager. I want her to love her changing and growing body. I want to watch her develop her social skills. As she develops greater capacity for self-awareness and abstract thought, I hope to be involved in guiding her to be a compassionate human being who stands up for others. She will be excited by new ideas, developing and using logic; I hope I can engage with her in thoughtful conversations and arguments even if it's just for the sake of arguing and encouraging her verbal and logical thinking skills. I want to watch her discover who she is and try on different identities and friends and styles and music. I want to be inspired by her hope and optimism and wisdom. I expect her to be an awesome teenager and to enjoy parenting her during those years.