A Mother's Day Apology

As a teen there were times I was critical of my mother. This is developmentally normal. Teens are keen to notice hypocrisy, inconsistencies, and faults, especially in their parents. I think my experience was amplified and extended because of things I learned in church.

It wasn't so much that I had a lot to complain about what my mother did; it was more about things she didn't do. She didn't decorate or craft. She didn't stay at home with us anymore (not her choice, by the way). She didn't bake bread from scratch or spend time creating centerpieces or handouts for the Relief Society Lesson. She wasn't the image of the perfect homemaker I was learning in church was the divine role of women. I felt especially justified in my criticism because I had the backing of The Church. I knew what was 'right' how things were 'supposed to be,' and it was pretty clear my life wasn't matching up.

In the last four years I've gone through a feminist awakening and my view of acceptable womanhood has dramatically expanded. There isn't one right way to be a woman or a mother that fits for everyone. There are myriad valuable things mothers give to their children. My focus on what I wasn't getting from my mother kept me from seeing and appreciating what she was giving me.

I am embarrassed by my former criticism of my mother. The thing is, she is fantastic. She gave me an appreciation for the value of friendships, a wealth of social skills, an open mind about people who are different from me, an understanding that a career you enjoy is more important than one with prestige or a high paycheck. She talked to me about choosing a good mate and how to recognize unhealthy relationship patterns before you make the commitment to marry. Have you heard about cycles of abuse becoming generational? And how it takes a strong commitment from one individual to break the cycle for future generations? My mom was that person for me. I only marginally experienced a lot of the dysfunction that was in my dad's family for the few generations I know of because of my mother. I remember her teaching me how to respond to a first grade bully with compassion and understanding.

My mother taught me to love a variety of foods, even though she's a picky eater. She supported me academically and never did projects for me, even though sometimes I wished she would. She helped me develop confidence in myself. She didn't talk negatively about her own body or make a big deal about my appearance; because of this I was shielded from a lot of the body shaming so prevalent in our culture. She talked to me, and she listened. She talked to me about what I was learning and not just how I looked or who I wanted to date. I knew, especially as I got into later adolescence and young adulthood, that she genuinely liked me as a person. We liked spending time together. This did wonders for my confidence. As I started my new position in management last year, I found myself often drawing on lesson I'd learned from my mother: how to value my employees, how to do team decision-making, how to be an approachable leader, how to not take myself too seriously. She's the best!

Thanks Mom. Happy Mother's Day!

Note 1: I want to be clear that I don't de-value the more traditional aspects of motherhood I learned about in church. The idea is that there are many things mothers give to their children and that one set of skills or traits isn't better than another, just different. It's not that my narrow view has shifted to be an equally narrow view with different attributes, it's that my view has expanded to include a wider variety of characteristics and values. I won't be critical of you if you're a crafting, decorating, stay-at-home mom. There is no right way to be a woman or a mother.

Note 2: I wrote this post from the perspective of mothers, this being Mother's Day and a post about my own mother, after all. If I were being completely accurate, anywhere I said 'mother' the word 'parent' would be more appropriate. I don't think what parents give to their children is determined by gender as much as by personality. Fathers can do anything I attributed here to mothers. And many mothers teach their children things traditionally thought to be the domain of fathers.