Current annoyances

1. When the bag of bread gets closed too tightly and the slices of bread get all misshapen.
2. When my daughter pulls the towels off the rack and leaves them in a pile on the bathroom floor. I get that she's too little to put them back on, but there's no reason to pull them off!
3. That so many people act as if our going out in public is an invitation to talk to us or comment on us. This has been going on Bonnie's whole life but really ramped up since I was visibly pregnant. I'm just trying to live my life. I don't owe it to anyone to answer questions about how old my children are, what their names are, how they're adjusting, or what my body's doing.
4. The Santa manipulation. We have already chosen nice, reasonable christmas gifts for our kids. Then they go see Santa. And since she's asked Santa very for something very specific, we feel pressure to buy it for her.

You Knew What I Was When You Picked Me Up

There was a story, maybe even a video, from seminary about a snake that asks to be picked up and carried down a mountain (or something). The snake is very convincing and the person picks it up and carries it. When the person puts it down the snake bites him/her. The person is upset about being bitten after having done a nice thing for the snake. The snake says, "you knew what I was when you picked me up."

Some of my friends turned this into a catchy tune. I'll sing it for you:


Pretty awesome, no?

I chose one of my coworkers to cover for me while I've been on maternity leave. I'd given some honest and helpful advice to this person before to help him get ahead at the company. I told him I thought the experience of covering my job while I was gone would be good for him in that way. He's a pretty stereotypical male from a patriarchal culture. I had to fight pretty hard with our boss to get his pay/hours worked out to be advantageous for him while I was gone. I hadn't been gone on leave a whole week before my coworker was in our boss' office asking for my job. He brazenly told another coworker (who is my friend and then told me) that he was planning to work real hard for a month and then go in and ask for my job again.

First off, he's stupid to have told my friend. Second, does he not know that they legally can't do that to me? Third, I went out on a limb for him and he stabbed me in the back. There's a part of me that wants to be really angry with him but then I think, well, I knew what he was when I picked him up. You can't really be mad at the snake for being a snake.

"You knew what I was when you picked me up, you knew what I was when you picked me up, you knew what I was when you picked me up and then I bit your face!"

Confession: follow up

My kids are great. They really are. The rare occasions when I get one on one time with them, I really enjoy them. Individually I can handle them just fine and probably even really enjoy doing it. It's caring for both of them together, balancing meeting their needs at the same time that overwhelms and frustrates me. It's not their fault or my fault. It's just the situation, and it's hard.

Confession

I don't like being a mom to small children. I love them. I don't want someone else to raise them. I don't want them to go away or to cause them harm or anything like that. I love their little faces and seeing them discover their world and find delight in things I find ordinary. I really do love those things.

AND, I really don't like my life right now. It is a constant frustration. There is always so much to do and so much I want to do that I can't do because I'm caring for my kids. I get frustrated with them when they cry or throw tantrums or won't sleep and there's nothing I can do about it. I start dinner before lunch every day because I can't do it all at one time, even an easy dinner. So, I have a spare minute and I wash the greens. In another spare minute I pull them from the stems. Hours later I have another minute to wash and prep sweet potatoes. It's exhausting and frustrating. Frustration!

I feel guilty for even saying these things. I'm supposed to love this time of my life. I'm supposed to be cherishing every moment. I even caught myself thinking the other day that this is my divine nature and I'm supposed to be good at this. The cultural programming goes deep. You know what I really think? It's all a load of crap. (You are welcome to think differently, of course.) I believe some people genuinely love the very small children phase. I don't have to feel guilty that I don't love my life right now! I may not have the right combination of talents and attributes that makes me well suited to caring for small children. And you know what? That's okay!

There's part of me that thinks I shouldn't even write this because what if my kids see it some day. What if they do? I love them, and I'm doing this parenting thing for them. Maybe they will read this in a frustrated parenting moment of their own and think "wow! I had no idea my mom felt this way too!" or maybe they'll just see that I'm human. (I'm totally laughing at myself now. It's such a Mormon thing for me to be thinking about what if my children read my writing at some time in the future.) :)

Muscle Memory

I was sitting with Bonnie in the glider reading books. After one book was over we just sat and rocked together for a while. The motion of sitting with my feet on the ground gently propelling myself brought back memories of sitting on the porch swing at Grandma Jean's house. It's not a specific memory, more a collection of memories melded together. Added all together, I'm sure I spent days and probably weeks worth of time on that porch swing. We talked, we ate, we watched the rain or the clouds or the sunset. They are warm, positive memories.

Dignity

The hardest part of being a parent right now is the lack of respect for my personal dignity. My life centers on keeping these two little people alive. That's pretty much all I do. I have no personal space, no time to myself. I get no respect for my time, my needs. They drool on me and cry and yell at me. Sometimes they even spit at and bite me. And I still have to feed them and wipe their butts. These working conditions in any other job/area of responsibility would be completely unacceptable and intolerable.

They are my babies, and I love them. So I do it. Sometimes I even smile and laugh and enjoy it.

I am sorry, mother, for the ways I robbed you of your dignity.

It takes a village

I had been to plenty of wedding showers, wedding receptions, and baby showers before I was a recipient of gifts from said events. I was shocked to see how much we received. Each person puts in a little but the couple gets a lot. 

We kept almost everything from Bonnie's babyhood and are reusing it with Bessie. I still remember where many of the items came from. Being home with two small kids can be very lonely sometimes. I get some comfort from all the things. This blanket is from Aunt Christine, those pants from Aunt Kris, the tutu from Aunt Sondra, these shoes from Stephanie, the book from Melinda, the sling from Jeanette. I remember my coworkers, friends, and family as I put the baby to sleep, dress her, and lay her out on blankets. 

It's nice to know I'm not alone.