I hear (or read) other mothers talk about how becoming a mother changed them profoundly. I hear things like, "my first child came into my world and tore my heart right open" or "I never knew I could love someone as much as I love my child; I didn't know it was possible" or "I thought I knew what love was, and then I became a mother." This has not been my experience.
Let me be clear, I do not doubt the sincerity of those words or question the validity of those experiences. I just don't relate. Sometimes when I read or hear something like this, I pause and wonder what's wrong with me. Am I some cold, uncaring person? Am I harming my child? Do I even love her? Then, the logical part of me comes in and says, no, no, and yes, of course.
I wonder, maybe it's different if you weren't planning on having a child and it surprises you how much you love your child. I think, I have a great mom, my grandma was also wonderful, I have good examples of mothering in my aunts, so maybe becoming a mother just wasn't surprising to me. My clinical brain kicks in, and I think, it's healthy that you've maintained your own identity and not lost yourself in your child. These are thought that roll around my brain.
A conversation I had with a mission companion comes to mind. We were talking about how being a missionary changes some people profoundly, they come home a completely different person than they were when they left, but that this isn't the case with every missionary. I remember Mariah saying that maybe for some of us the changes brought about by missionary service aren't so dramatic because we already had the qualities a mission develops in a person. So, instead of the mission completely changing us, developing totally new qualities, it just expands and deepens what was already there resulting in a less noticeable outward change. I liked that thought. I still like it.
Maybe becoming a mother hasn't been such a dramatic change for me because so much of what it takes to be a mother was already a part of me. Yeah, I'm going to go with that one.
3 comments:
I totally agree with you. I'm not a mother, but I had the same thing on my mission. No culture shock, no shock to the gospel being always the topic (maybe a little shock to always having a companion at my side) - but I think it does speak to the different kind of people we all are, and how we adapt to new situations.
That's all... for now...
You're too nice, Becca. Nothing is wrong with you. You are realistic.
I heard a new mother, a few months ago, say that her biggest struggle was "not cherishing every moment." I believe my eyebrows hit the ceiling, and my jaw hit the floor.
Take for instance, falling in love the second you see your newborn child. I think I was more in shock, like, "Holy crap...that's mine! Weird." I still think that and I working am on child number 3.
I remember this conversation and I like how you've applied it to motherhood. It is interesting now that I am a mom to think about it with that perspective...I always like your fresh perspectives and insights!
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