On Why I Won't Force Affection: Valuing displays of affection

We don't force displays of affection from our daughters. We always give them a choice and honor their decisions when they say no, even with us. When I tuck Bonnie into bed, I ask her if I can give her a kiss. Sometimes she says yes and sometimes she says no. A couple times I haven't heard her 'no' or have been leaning in without waiting for her response, and she gets quite upset. "I said no, mama!" I love this. I love that it is normal for her to have her personal boundaries respected. (more on this in another post)

I have a few distinct memories from my childhood where affection was forced. I'm sure it happened more than the few times I specifically remember. I'll share one now. We were in front of our house in Orem, the one across from Reese. I was being brought home from a visit with my dad. It was dark. My mom was standing in the open door, the light on behind her. I was standing on the sidewalk. I wanted to go to her. I couldn't leave until I said "I love you" to my dad.

What does a hug or kiss or "I love you" mean if it's forced? Nothing, really. The problem for me was that it happened so much, it was such a way of being that even I didn't know if I meant it. It was just what you did, what you said. I went through a time in my twenties where I needed to put concerted effort into sorting this out. It's a pretty dangerous thing while dating to have this pattern. I said "I love you" because you said it to me. I'll hug and kiss you because you want to do it to me. The relationship moves right along and all of the sudden it's serious, and I don't know if I even like the person I'm dating!

Now, when someone says "I love you" to me, my usual response is "thank you." Saying "I love you" doesn't automatically get the same in return from me.

I think forcing displays of affection cheapens it. It's because I (really we, because my husband is totally on board with this) value honest intimate relationships and affection that I won't force it. My kids don't have to love or hug or kiss anyone, even me. And you know what? When my little one wants to be snuggled or grabs my attention to say, "Mama! I love you" it melts my heart, because I know it comes from her heart.