On why I won't force displays of affection: Safety

First, some statistics:
~1 in 3 American women will be sexually abused during their lifetime
~1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18

The perpetrators are more often than not people the victims know, especially with children. Perpetrators will groom their child victims, developing special relationships, ensuring secrecy. (To write or even think about this stuff turns my stomach when thinking in the context of my family, my children.) In our family of four, three of us are female. Statistically speaking, the odds are against us. 

I won't ever force displays of affection from my children in an attempt to prevent them from becoming victims. I love that my daughter will tell me "Mama! I said no" if I try to hug or kiss her against her will. If someone looking to groom a victim encounters that from her they may decide to leave her alone. She was running around the house in her underwear and a friend of ours playfully touched her chest. She said "don't touch me there," and my mama-heart screamed "Yes!"

When I was quite young, I was tickled by a grown man who was a stranger to me but known to my parents. I hated it. Let me stress that: I hated it! Nothing I did made him stop. Saying "no" or "stop, stop" only made him tickle me more. I'm sure he thought he was just being playful, but it was miserable for me. My experience is not unique. I won't force affection and will respect the boundaries my daughters set for their bodies because I want to develop in them the idea that they have control of their bodies, they get to say. We teach this by example. When she says "stop," we stop. If we say "stop" or "don't climb on me" or "that hurts," we mean it. It goes something like this "I said stop. I don't want you touching me/climbing on me. It's my body, and I get to say. So you need to stop." We say this to her, and I love when she says it back to us. (Usually it's in some completely nonsensical way, like "It's my body, and I want a cookie. It's my body. Okay?") It is not unlikely that at some time in their lives, someone will touch them in a way they don't want. When they say "no" or "stop" and the person doesn't stop, I want them to be incensed. I want it to feel wrong, completely and absolutely wrong, not normal, something that happens all the time.

We also will not project on her that saying "no" when someone wants affection from her is flirting or teasing. It's not. Sadly, there will be times in their lives that they will be the recipients of unwanted advances. Again, when they say "no" and that isn't respected, I hope it will feel to them completely inappropriate and not familiar. In our house no means no. We take consent seriously. We don't do mixed-signals.

We are well-aware that taking this strict of a stance within our families and with our friends is not the norm. We may seem extreme or harsh. We may hurt feelings. We don't care. We will privilege our daughters' safety above potential hurt feelings from the adults in their lives. (I step in with kids, too. At the playground or with cousins or friends, I will reinforce "she said no, so you need to stop.") If you are ever one of those adults who feels a little offended or rejected that our daughter(s) don't want to hug you or kiss you or say "I love you," deal with it. Perhaps you can offer some other socially appropriate but less-invasive way of doing the same thing: a handshake, a high-five, a wave. We will be grateful to you for helping keep our daughters safe.